Attack on Titan: University
by tabletown
Summary: After graduating from Shiganshina High School and still reeling from the death of his mother, Eren Jaeger is ready for the merciless world of college (mostly). It's just his luck that his overprotective sister continues to hang around and his roommate listens to Katy Perry and cries publicly in the hallway about Gilmore Girls. Rated T for alcohol usage and boyish college behavior.
1. Tales of College Angst

College, a time of freedom and independence. Discovering yourself and getting hammered at parties until you pass out on the floor in a drunken stupor. And Eren Jeager was ready to discover it all. That was, unless you had Mikasa breathing down your neck at all times reminding you of the dangers of alcohol poisoning. It really cramped your style.

"Eren, did you pack sunscreen? You're susceptible to burns, you know."

Eren sighed, staring at his adoptive sister. She was a good half a foot smaller than he was, but what she lacked in height, she made up for in the ability to body slam him to the ground at a moment's notice.

She didn't wait for him to answer her impossibly stupid question and instead reached into her bag, pulling out a gallon of SPF 50 like some sort of 18-year-old Mary Poppins with six pack abs.

"Where the hell do you keep this crap, Mikasa? Did you rob a Costco or something?" Eren asked as she shoved the jug into his arms.

"Preparation is the key, Eren. I don't want you to get sunburned." She answered, like this was perfectly acceptible and logical in all aspects of sanity and life. It wasn't.

Eren stared up at the sky. "It's barely even sunny outside, Mikasa. I think you're losing your mind."

Mikasa rolled her eyes as if Eren was being the unreasonable one. "I didn't bring it just for today." She said. "Although it wouldn't hurt." she added as a second thought.

"You're worse than mom was." Eren snapped, hitching his duffle bag higher and resuming his path towards the dorms.

"Well someone has to be the parent here, and if your dad is going off on business trips every week and a half to get drunk at meetings and call you at five in the morning crying about how he used to love you, I figure I'm next in line." Mikasa said, following behind Eren like a loyal, annoying, overprotective dog.

Eren snorted, yanking open the door and walking into the lobby before turning around to stare down his sister. "I am mature enough to take care of myself, thank you very much."

"Do you know what you had for breakfast today? Five different kinds of cereal with varying and frightening amounts of sugar intake. If you were left to your own devices, you'd go into a sugar coma within two hours."

"I'd rather fall into a sugar coma than hear another rant about the obesity rates of today's youth like I'm some sort of Jerry Springer guest." Eren snapped. "I swear, Mikasa, one day you're going to give yourself a brain aneurysm, and I'm going to just sit back and watch."

Mikasa took a deep breath, closing her eyes. "We're in college now, Eren. The final stretch. If you want to get good grades, you're going to have to buckle down right the hell now."

"I don't want good grades, I want revenge!" Eren cried.

"Not this again, Eren. You fire off more expositional dialogue than a character in Twilight." Mikasa groaned.

Eren ignored her, his eyes blazing in anger. "My mother was robbed and murdered by a band of thugs when I was just eleven years old-"

"Stop. People are staring."

"-I held her hand as she died and promised that I would join the forces of the law and prevent the murder of helpless old ladies like her around the globe-"

"I was there, Eren."

"And I will, gosh darn it!" With this exclamation, he pumped his fist into the air, grinning with pride and a little bit of insanity.

Mikasa grabbed his arm, yanking it down, and glanced around wildly at the rest of the people in the lobby, who had been staring in horror and intrigue for the past minute and a half. "You are single handedly going to make everyone in the building hate you faster than Justin Beiber after his initial climb to popularity."

"Since when do I care what people think?" Eren demanded, breathing heavily.

"I think that happens to be one of your most prominent character flaws, Eren, I wouldn't be proud." Mikasa hissed as everyone resumed their previous activities, talking quietly amongst themselves. Already, Mikasa could feel the beginnings of an Eren Hate Club stirring amongst their peers.

Eren rolled his eyes as someone tried to squeeze past, promptly bumping into his shoulder and unknowingly tipping his precarious mental state. "Who the hell touched me?"

"Holy crap, Eren, please get it together." Mikasa said as the offender turned around.

"Were you talking to me?" they asked, their annoyed and haughty form of speech sounding like they'd practiced it in front of the mirror.

Eren blinked, his initial anger receding. "You look alarmingly like a horse. Has anyone told you that before?"

"You're going to be stabbed in your bed, Eren." Mikasa muttered under her breath as the horse faced gentleman brindled at Eren's comment.

"Actually, they're more akin to saying I'm devilishly handsome, like George Clooney if George Clooney was hotter than George Clooney actually is." he replied, aiming a wink at Mikasa, who gagged.

"If we're comparing you to celebrities, I was going for more of a Secretariat vibe." Eren said, blatantly ignoring the rules of social conduct.

The boy's aloof vibe vanished, and was replaced with almost Eren-level anger. "Now, listen here, punk-"

"Jean, I'm sure they're just kidding." A sunny voice said from his left side, and a shorter, freckled boy with a bright smile and a day-glo orange t-shirt proudly proclaiming it was from the Bodt's 2013 Family Reunion At Disney World, appeared.

"They insulted my face, Marco, no one insults my face." The boy named Jean said in disbelief.

"That's a surprise." Eren commented, clearly feeling like taking his life into his hands today.

Before Jean could lunge out and strangle Eren, Marco stepped into, trying to smooth things over. "I'm Marco Bodt, and this is my roommate Jean Kirschstein. It's so nice to meet you." He chirped, shaking Eren's hand and then Mikasa's. "Please, forgive Jean, he's really very nice."

"I wish I could say the same for Eren." Mikasa replied. "I'm Mikasa Ackerman, and this is Eren Jaeger."

Jean glanced between them. "You know you can't room with girls, Jaeger." He said accusatorially.

"We're not roommates. Mikasa's on the other side of the campus. I'm rooming with Armin Arlert." Eren snapped.

Jean and Marco exchanged a glance. "I know that name. That room is across from ours on the second floor." Marco said.

"You mean that weird kid who was listening to Avril Lavigne as he unpacked his Grow Your Own Fungi kit?" Jean asked.

"That sounds like Armin." Eren sighed.

"Then I guess that makes us across-the-hall neighbors!" Marco said happily, looking as excited as if Eren had promptly got down on one knee and proposed marriage to him.

"Wonderful." Jean and Eren said in unison.

"We should really get going. I want to hang up my mom's handmade curtains before I forget." Marco said regretfully. "I'll see you later, Eren! We'll definitely invite you to our dorm warming party."

"We're not having a dorm warming party, Marco-" Jean was grumbling as Marco dragged him away.

Eren picked up his duffle bag again. "I guess this is where we part, Mikasa." He said, hoping she would take his not-so-subtle hint to scram.

"Really, Eren, I should go with you to your room, to help you get settled." She wheedled.

"I only have this one bag, and you already heard that Armin is making a fool of himself, so he's there." Eren replied, getting annoyed with her clinginess.

Mikasa sighed wistfully. "Call me when you get there."

"It's two flights up the stairs and your dorm is literally across the quad."

"You could trip on the stairs and break your neck, Eren, I've seen you trip on solid ground." Mikasa said.

"Goodbye, Mikasa." Eren said, cutting her oncoming rant short before she gave herself a panic attack.

He figured Mikasa would at least show some sort of emotion at their parting, especially with the way she had been whining about it since they'd woken up, but she just stared him him with her usual blank expression. He figured that was as close as he would get to any sort of farewell and thanked his lucky stars that despite her creepy watchfulness, her emotional content was the size of a grain of abnormally small sand.

 _ooooooo_

"Armin? Are you there?" Eren asked, pushing open the door at the end of the hallway. It hadn't been hard to find, he just followed the sound of whiny early 2000s pop music and desperation.

A small, blond head poked out from behind a large box and Armin waved. "Eren! Hi! I already unpacked most of my stuff, and I gave you the biggest room." Armin said helpfully, standing up and brushing off his sweater vest with careful strokes.

Eren threw his duffle bag to the side glancing around the apartment-style dorm. True to Armin's character, one wall already had his large picture of Einstein and signed Taylor Swift poster front and center, like the beginnings of a nerd shrine.

Armin stood in the center of it all, looking small and nervous as he clutched his Grow Your Own Fungi kit to his chest. "Marco invited us to his dorm warming party later tonight if you wanted to go." Armin continued. He had a habit of blathering on when he felt like the environment was getting too awkwardly charged, as it normally did when he was present.

"Sounds lame." Eren replied, and Armin nodded, his hair swinging uniformly with the movement, like a blonde helmet.

Eren had first met Armin at Shiganshina Elementary when two kids were beating up Armin for his lunch money. Normally, Eren wouldn't have cared either way whether the scrawny bookworm was getting the snot beat out of him, but he figured that if the money was recovered, there would be a little something in it for him, and Armin's grandfather always packed enough for him to get an ice cream bar. Thus, he valiantly saved the day, and Armin latched onto Eren like a socially inept leech. It did have it's advantages at least. Armin continued to fork over his ice cream bars and occasionally his extensive knowledge came in handy when Mikasa forced Eren to play Trivial Pursuit to make him more 'cultured.'

"I might go. My grandfather always says I need to put myself out there and seize the day." Armin said, pulling a crystal formation kit from another box.

"Your grandfather's mental state has deteriorated considerably since the great incident of '09, Armin, I wouldn't take his advice on anything." Eren reminded him.

Armin glanced at the beaten up duffle bag. "You're having your other stuff sent here, right?" he asked.

"What other stuff?"

"Didn't you get the packing list that came with the welcome packet?" Armin pressed, looking fearful.

"Probably. I don't know. Mikasa normally opens the mail." Eren shrugged, pulling a questionable bag of Gushers from one of the side pockets of the bag and ripping it open.

Armin's friendship with Eren was one of the main reasons he had to see a therapist for abnormal stress levels, and sometimes he wondered if this pain was a fair trade off for being able to follow someone cool around all the time.

"I met our other neighbors too. Jean and Marco said you guys already met down in the lobby, but there's this guy named Connie on our right who lives with some journalist major who is literally never home, and then on our left are these two guys named Bertholdt and Reiner, who seemed pretty nice. Oh, and this guy named Marlowe said he lived at the other end of the hall when I ran into him an hour ago." Armin said, making some sort of conversation to cover up the sound of Eren trying to break open fossilized Gushers with his teeth.

"That Marlowe dude didn't happen to have an unsightly bowl cut and was also holding a thick Attack on College Rule Handbook Fourth Edition, did he?" Eren asked.

"Yeah, I think that was it."

"We're avoiding him. I think he's on some sort of weird European drug that I don't want to tangle with."

Armin shrugged. "Oh, hey, Mikasa's coming over later, right?"

Eren snorted. "She's probably using her Spider-Man powers to grapple under our window and listen to our conversation as we speak."

There was a knock at the door that caused both boys to look up just then, and Marco stuck his head in. "Hey! Bad time?"

"No, come on it." Armin said hurriedly, just grateful that it wasn't Mikasa who had arrived. Eren might be stressful and little bit dangerous, but Mikasa terrified him. She was always saying he was too small and trying to force energy bars and power shakes down his throat like a steroid induced celebrity trainer.

"Nice place, Armin, I like your Taylor Swift poster." Marco said pleasantly. "I was just wondering if you had a couple nails I could borrow?"

"No, but Reiner did say he eats nails for breakfast." Armin said helpfully.

"I can't believe you took that seriously, Armin, it's like you never leave your house." Eren piped up after he had effectively unglued his jaw of expired Gusher.

"I'll go ask him. Have a nice day!" Marco waved, letting himself out, and Eren rolled his eyes.

"I think he's on drugs too."

Armin blinked. "Who? Marco? Marco's so friendly!"

"Exactly. No one's that nice! It's weird."

Armin shook his head. "Not everyone is as emotionally handicapped as you, Eren. Some people are actually happy."

Eren shrugged. "I still think that he's on something."

Armin sighed. There was no use arguing with Eren. You either lost, or Mikasa came to your house with a knife and some rope.

 ** _ooooooo_**

Jean watched as Marco pulled yet another batch of cookies out of the miniscule oven that came in the dorm's tiny kitchen. It was about the size of an Easy Bake Oven and worked just as well.

"I'm telling you, Marco, a dorm warming party not only sounds stupid, but will be disappointing without alcohol. This is college, not an elementary school Valentine's party." Jean muttered, rolling his eyes.

Marco just laughed. Honestly, his endless happy vibe was already starting to grate on Jean, and they'd only been roommates for two hours. "People don't need to get drunk to have fun!" Marco berated.

Jean snorted. "Then I guess you've never had a drink of anything stronger than juice."

Marco's eyes widened as he dumped the cookies on a platter. "Never!"

"Not even a sip of beer when you were like nine?"

"No!" Marco cried, as if the idea itself was completely absurd. "My mom says that alcohol is a bad decision in a bottle."

"That doesn't even make sense. It hardly rolls off the tongue."

Marco gave Jean a loving but firm look reminiscent of his mom after he had asked her what weed was for the first time. "My mother knows everything."

"Clearly." Jean muttered after Marco had turned away.

"Armin and Eren seem nice." Marco noted, clearly trying to change the subject.

Jean snorted. "You mean He Man and anger issues? No thanks."

Marco shrugged. "You just have to give them a chance! Eren was very kind, and Armin seemed like a really smart guy."

"I bet Jaeger has about five bottles of bad decisions a day, Marco." Jean said in a faux earnest voice that made Marco wrinkle his nose.

"Well then, what about Reiner and Bertholdt?"

Jean crossed his arms. "Reiner probably kills puppies for fun and Bertholdt looked like he was about to pass out from overexposure to human contact. I swear, Marco, this whole floor makes a drug den look like a chess club."

"Swearing isn't good, Jean." Marco said offhandedly. "I really feel like you're judging them too soon. College is a time for new experiences! To forge lasting friendships that you'll carry with you, even into adulthood!"

"What Forever 21 shirt did you get that one from?" Jean asked, but Marco just shook his head, a smile still plastered on his face. "You know what? I'm going out."

Marco looked surprise. "Did I do something to upset you?"

"No, I just need some fresh air." Jean replied, yanking open the front door to the dorm and stepping out into the empty hallway. "And to get away from the new Care Bears Friendship special that I'll be living with for the next year." He murmured to himself, feeling like this was going to be an even longer year than the last.

 ** _ooooooo_**

"Heads up!" Someone screeched, and a football went soaring over Jean's head, barely missing him by an inch.

"Watch out, idiot!" His friend yelled from the other side, and Jean groaned. He had been looking forward to college basically his entire life, eager to get away from his overprotective mother and the idiots at his old school in Trost, but already, college life pretty much sucked. He had a roommate who was two steps away from going into full out hippie meditation mode, a jerk living across from him, and a Coconut Head cosplayer who played early 2000s music like an emo Twilight fan girl who spent her days Photoshopping her face onto Bella Swan's and writing Sherlock fan fiction.

The only beacon of hope in his craphole of a life was the hot girl he'd met in the lobby earlier. Mikasa? She'd seemed pretty attached to Angry Eyebrows, but obviously that shouldn't last long. Who'd want to date someone like Jaeger anyway? You'd probably have to have joint therapy sessions together just to survive.

Looking up, Jean saw a familiar dark haired individual making a beeline for the boys dorm and he felt like fate had placed this chance in front of him for a reason. "Hey, Mikasa!" He called before she could disappear into the building.

She turned around, a blank look on her face, and he trotted up. "We met in the lobby earlier, remember?" he asked.

"I guess. The guy that Eren called a horse." She said blankly, obviously not caring that what she said would be considered rude in most cultures.

"It's Jean. Actually."

"Jean. Cool. I'll try and remember that." She replied in a way that clearly stated that remembering his name would literally be last on her to-do list.

Jean tried to scramble for something to say before she could walk away. "Is Jeager your boyfriend?" He asked and then winced. Really smooth, Kirschstein, honestly.

"No." She answered, completely expressionless.

"Oh! Cool." Jean choked out, and she nodded. "So I guess I'll see you later?"

"I'm counting down the minutes." She replied sarcastically, walking into the lobby, and Jean grinned.

She was so into him.


	2. Mikasa Returns

Honestly, the more Jean considered his roommate situation with Marco, the more he contemplated murder. His own, or Marco's, he had no idea. But he did know that he'd rather be sharing a dorm with Taylor Swift worshipping Armin than Marco, and that said a lot.

Almost as soon as he had so much as gotten within five feet of the shared dorm room, Jean was almost blown back but the sheer amount of positivity radiating from the entire space. It was like a My Little Pony had a litter of equally adorable kittens on the floor.

Just his luck, Jaeger was standing outside of his own room when Jean walked up, a smug smile on his face. "Did you have enough room to display your Hello Kitty memorabilia, Jeanie, or did Mr. Sunshine take up all of your space with his shrine to the Teletubbies?" Eren asked, his voice dripping with faux sincerity.

"Shut up, Jaeger." Jean snapped, yanking open the door to his room.

Almost instantly, Marco's smiling face came into view like some sort of sick horror game, and Jean yelped. "Roommate! You're back!" Marco cried happily.

"Oh ho ho, this is gonna be good." Eren chuckled happily from behind him.

"You better hope you stop talking before I shove your face through the wall." Jean growled without turning around. He wasn't going to give Jaeger the satisfaction of looking into his boastful little rat eyes. Eren gave a small little neigh under his breath in reply, and it took everything Jean had not turn around and rip his head off.

Marco stepped back to let Jean in, waving at Eren over his shoulder. "Hi there, Across-The-Hall Neighbor!"

Losing his nerve, Jean allowed himself a swift glance in Eren's direction, and the gloating look on his face made him wish he hadn't as he was whisked into the Disney Channel House of Horrors.

Marco shut the door behind them with a sigh. "Well! Today's been productive!" He said, chipper.

But Jean was hardly listening. He was staring in disgust at the room around him. Everything within twelve feet of him matched. Like "I got this at Home Goods on clearance with my mom" matched. It was all a frothy shade of what could only be considered salmon in the manliest of opinions, and he swore everything must have literally been cut from the same cloth. Was that couch there before? He had only been gone fifteen minutes at most, no way Marco moved in an entire couch by himself.

"What twelve year old girl vomited in here?"

Marco laughed. "The room was so bare. I decorated a little. You can put any of your stuff up, though. It is a common room, after all, I wouldn't want to take it over."

"Why? When? How?" Jean sputtered.

"Well, I didn't want it to be bland for our dorm warming party. What would the neighbors think?" Marco berated gently.

Jean spun on his heel to face Marco. "At this point, the neighbors are going to expect two old women and their fifteen cats to live here, Marco."

"Pet's aren't allowed in the dorms." Marco reminded him, clearly missing the point.

Jean sighed. "Listen, Marco, you have to realize that you are going to be ripped to literal pieces in college if you keep acting like this?"

"Like what?" Marco asked, confused.

"Like a suburban housewife with three kids in elementary school!" Jean cried in frustration. "College is brutal. It will eat you alive and spit your bones into the fiery pits of Hades."

Marco blinked, his eyes wide. "Excuse me?"

Jean pinched the bridge of his nose, shaking his head. "College is preparation for the real world, Marco, okay? In the real world, your throw rug does not match your curtains."

"That's horrifying!" Marco cried.

"Exactly. Throw back a couple kegs of beer. Decorate the walls with pictures of monster trucks. Do not bargain hunt at Target for a pack of pens to coordinate with your binder."

Marco paused, mulling this over. "Really? My mom-"

"Your mom is null. Void. Zero. Your mom might as well be on the international space station, because your mom is less relevant than Stephanie Meyer in 2018."

"Than who?"

"You just proved my point." Jean replied.

Marco's face fell. "You want me to forget the woman who raised me?"

Jean shrugged. "Yeah, pretty much."

"I'm not sure..."

Jean waved Marco's thoughts away. "That's the best part about college. You're never sure. And that's why you drink until you're even less sure than you were before."

"And you're not lying to me?" Marco said slowly, raising an eyebrow.

Jean walked over, throwing his arm over Marco's shoulder, gesturing around the room. "Monster trucks, Marco. Monster trucks."  
 ** _oooooo_**  
"I used to think you were really sad, but Jean has officially beat you." Eren said as he walked into his dorm. His observation was met with silence, and he cocked his head. "Armin?"

A muffled shout came from somewhere to his right, and Eren turned. "Armin? Where the hell are you?"

There was a small bang, and the closet door flew open with a smack, Armin's sweater vested body flopping to the ground like a dead fish.

"I'm here!" Armin cried, scrambling to his feet and dusting himself off.

"Why? Why were you in the closet?" Eren asked, giving his roommate a bewildered look.

"Putting stuff away." Armin replied vaguely, his cheeks reddening. "Anyway, what were you saying? All I heard was the word sad, and something about Jean. Honestly, I'm kind of following where you're going."

Eren was about to reply, but hesitated, sniffing the air slightly. "Armin?"

"Yeah?" Armin asked nervously.

"Was Mikasa here?"

Armin shifted from one foot to the other uncomfortably. "Why do you ask?"

Instead of replying, Eren bent down, picking up something minuscule off the floor and holding it up to reveal a small red string. "This looks like it was from her scarf."

"You're crazy. Hundreds of people have lived here before we have!"

"I can literally smell the psychopathic desire to control my life, Armin, she's not fooling anyone." Eren said flatly, dropping the thread back to the ground with a sniff of disapproval.

Armin sighed. "Okay, fine, she came."

"That explains why you were in the closet." Eren muttered.

"She said not to tell you she was here, though. She's totally going to kill me." Armin wailed. "Do you think she brought her taser with her to college?"

"She brings her taser with her everywhere, Armin, you're as good as dead." Eren replied distractedly, ignoring the small, animal-like cry that came from his friend shortly after. "Do you know why she came?"

Armin didn't reply, and he was shaking like a Chihuahua at the vet.

Eren groaned. "Armin, worry about your impending doom later, okay? I've got real issues."

Before Armin could answer, the door flung open, and Armin screamed, covering his eyes. "I swear to Evanescence, I said nothing!"

"Dude, what's with him?"

Eren turned around and saw Reiner, the guy from next door, standing in the doorway, looking at Armin like he'd just dropped from the sky.

"Reiner, hey." Eren said, and he could hear Armin drop into the fetal position with a small screech. "What's up?"

Reiner stared at Armin for a couple more seconds before turning back to Eren and replying. "I just came to see if you had a stapler I could borrow, but after seeing your roommate, I'm kind of thinking you're legally not allowed to own anything sharp."

Eren frowned. "I don't think I've ever owned a stapler for that exact reason..." he muttered.

Reiner gave him a forced smile in return, looking extremely nervous. "Ah. Got it. Cool. I'll, uh, catch you later, I guess."

With that, he hurried out, and Eren spun back around to face his roommate, in the midst of what looked to be a nervous break down. "Armin! You're scaring the neighbors!" Eren snapped, incorrectly placing all of the blame on his friend and not himself, although Armin was not completely guiltless.

Armin shakily got up, looking green. "I can't take any more of this."

"It's been two hours, you'll drop dead of a heart attack by morning."

"You're probably not incorrect." Armin mumbled, his eyes glazing over.

As Armin stumbled away, Eren frowned thoughtfully, his mind drifting back to Mikasa. If she had come in here, it certainly wasn't just to stuff Armin in a closet, albeit how fun it was. So what was Mikasa skulking around for?

At least he wouldn't have to dwell on it for long, because it seemed to be she was already in the room, sitting on the couch.

How she got there, Eren had no idea, but from the look on her face, he could tell he was dead meat.

"You didn't call me! I had to come in here thinking you had been stabbed by a masked man!" Mikasa yelled, her voice echoing off the walls.

Eren hardly winced. He was already half deaf from living with her for 10 years before now. "I was supposed to call?"

Mikasa snatched Armin's signed copy of Teenage Dream and hurled it at Eren, narrowly missing his head. "I had to beat information out of Armin!" Mikasa seethed. "Not that he was much help. What a wimp. I literally thought comparing a person's body to a limp noodle was an exaggeration until now."

"Hell, Mikasa, calm down. It hasn't even been one day. If I was dead, I'd tell you." Eren snapped, trying not to listen to the nervous gagging coming from the bathroom that sounded suspiciously like Armin.

"You can't say anything if you're dead, Eren, you'd be dead!" Mikasa screeched like a hagraven in labor.

"Have you seen literally no episode of Ghost Hunters? Buzzfeed: Unsolved? I'd let you know." Eren replied evenly. "I'm extra enough to communicate beyond the grave."

Mikasa put her head in her hands. "In the name of all that is good and pure, Eren, I'm going to die. I'm going to actually keel over and die from osmosis of being too close to your sheer stupidity."

"Sounds like more of a you problem..." Eren said, clearly not caring that he was this close to being strangled by a ratty old scarf.

Mikasa dropped her hands, looking defeated. "I...I'm not sure what life is anymore, Eren, but I do know that if you're still in college by next week, it will be the work of God Himself."

"You're telling me." Eren said, pretty cheerfully for someone who just narrowly escaped death by strangulation.

They both went silent then, and the seriousness of the moment was thus punctuated by the sounds of Armin sobbing from the bathtub.


	3. The New and Improved Marco Bodt

Eren pulled on his coat, which proved to be rather difficult when you were also trying to force an entire strawberry Pop Tart into your mouth.

"Armin, let's go!" Eren yelled, but it came out more like garbled choking, which, in all honesty, wasn't much different than his normal pattern of speech.

Thankfully, years and years of painful kinship had trained Armin to understand whatever messed up language Eren spoke, and he appeared two seconds later, looking like an ad for a school uniform supplier in a navy blue sweater and baggy khakis. The only thing distinguishing him from a Yale prep graduate was his tote bag from Katy Perry's 2012 World Tour, but it was 7am and Eren was too groggy to comment on it.

The two exited the dorm, Armin looking excited, and Eren trying to shove his head through the armhole of his jacket without much luck.

They bumped into Reiner, who was exiting at the same time, and he gave them both a nervous look before shoving past, gripping his Calculus textbook in his hands like a shield.

"I don't think there's much prospect of fostering a friendship with him anymore." Armin commented.

"Who needs him? He's probably drugged up or super into politics or something." Eren replied, finally figuring out the semantics of his jacket and successfully yanking it on.

"You don't really think he was into politics do you? I'd love a friend with a good ear for debate." Armin said longingly.

Eren snorted. "Maybe you're the one that's drugged up. The only people who willingly want to debate politics are old men and drunk single people at a bar."

"Your view on this world is very sad." Armin mumbled, but Eren wasn't paying attention as they trotted down the stairs and into the lobby.

"Eren! Armin! Wait up!"

The two turned around and saw Marco chasing after them down the stairs.

"Is...Is that Marco?" Armin said in bewilderment.

"Maybe he has a twin. Garco." Eren said hopefully.

The scene that played before them was as senseless and gory as a B list zombie movie, while also being as confusing and vomit enducing as the boat scene from Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. And it was Marco Bodt.

Not just any Marco Bodt. This Marco Bodt was the product of Jean's deranged mind and Marco's confused innocence, and it was akin to ripping out your eyeballs and throwing them off of the side of a building into a busy street full of concrete mixers.

"Is he wearing eyeliner?" Armin whispered.

"I don't know. I can't see past his hair. I'm not sure those shades of green and purple are supposed to mix." Eren replied.

Finally, something in this world was able to stun him, and he was honestly wishing it never had. Even the most die hard of Eren Hate Club members would be wishing it never had, just so it's sorry existence would be wiped off the face of this earth and the easily penetrated minds of children would be spared.

It was early 2000s emo Marco, and it was horrifying.

"Hey guys, what's up?" Marco said, his cheerful demeanor clashing terribly with his winged eyeliner and bangs with enough gel to slice through a frozen loaf of bread.

"Pete Wentz called, he wants his nightmares back." Eren said instinctively, earning a swift hit in the gut from Armin's binder.

"Fall Out Boy is my favorite!" Marco said, sounding robotic and strange.

"What is happening?" Armin wheezed quietly.

As if an answer to Armin's desperate prayers, Jean followed closely behind, putting his hand on Marco's shoulder like a proud PTA parent.

Even someone as brain dead as Eren could put two and two together. "This 2005 cultural vomit is your doing?" He cried, before turning to Armin. "We should have guessed, really. Jean could mess up anything."

"You're acting like this is a mistake." Jean said accusatorially.

"If you're insinuating it's not, you're a lot dumber than I thought." Eren said.

Jean sighed. "This...this is just the developmental stages, okay?"

"If this is the developmental stage, I'd rather be shot dead right now before I can watch it go any further." Eren replied, and Armin nodded fervently in reply.

"Look, I'm just trying to help Marco find himself. I'm being a good person." Jean argued.

"If you want Marco to find himself, take him to a retreat center or a metal hospital. Don't expose the world to atrocities like this!" Eren cried.

"We're trying to work through every niche until we find one for Marco that isn't Cat Mom." Jean explained.

"This niche died 13 years ago, Jean, it doesn't need to be resurrected." Armin piped up.

"Shut up, Arlert, you're still listening to Call Me Maybe." Jean snapped. And honestly, his argument was valid. He turned back to Eren. "We're just covering all the bases. Marco could have been the one to bring back the scene movement."

"I think we've established he isn't." Eren said, feeling the tiniest bit of compassion for Marco, which was a rare feeling for him, and he turned to the poor boy. "No offense or anything."

"You're just jealous that Marco actually went to me for advice instead of a loser like you." Jean said haughtily.

"That...was actually the furthest thing from my mind." Eren said, starting to sound bored of this entire conversation.

Armin tapped his friend's shoulder. "Um, we better get to class before we're late."

"Thank God, I'll be spared from this eye poison." Eren muttered, turning away.

"You'll be sorry!" Jean yelled at their retreating backs. "Jealous losers!"

"My Chemical Romance is amazing! Gerard Way for life!" Marco squawked like a dying parrot on cocaine.

 ** _ooooo_**

"Listen up, you disgusting, filthy little leeches!" Professor Levi Ackerman yelled at the top of his lungs, pacing back and forth in front of the podium.

29 pairs of terrified eyes stared back at him.

And it was wonderful.

He continued, coming to a stop and grinding his fist into his palm. "College is hard! Some have compared it to places like hell! Or a One Direction concert! That is, before the band split up."

The students murmured amongst themselves, like nervous meerkats.

"You! With the glasses! What's 546 times 854 squared! No calculator!" Levi snapped.

The kid jumped. "This is criminal justice, sir!"

Professor Ackerman crossed his arms. "You think cops don't know how to count, idiot? Because they do. Cops count a lot. Every time you see a cop, ask him a complicated math problem. He. Will. Know. It." Levi slapped his hand on the podium to enunciate his very strange point. "And the answer is 682.8499103. Write that in your notes."

There was a scramble for pen and paper then, interrupted by the sound of the classroom door squeaking open.

"I told you not to stop for breakfast, Eren!" A small voice squeaked, and Levi's professional sniper scope eyes immediately trained on the perpetrators that dared interrupt his class.

Both of them froze, one looking like a He-Man college special episode, and the other like he'd just gotten out of prison for double homicide and never showered a day in his life.

"Well, well, well, what do we have here?" Levi said slowly, picking up his ruler with his freehand, ready to smack someone to death, or lob it into their eye socket, if the moment permitted.

"Is this Freshman Criminal Justice?" The Homicide Boy asked, perking up.

"You tell me." Levi replied flatly.

If eyes could glitter, Homicide Boy's did just then, and it honestly made Levi very uncomfortable. "You're Levi Ackerman, the best cop who has ever lived!" He cried like a Harry Potter fan girl who just found Daniel Radcliffe passed out on the street.

"And you're a sad pig masquerading as a teenager. I'm glad we've been formally introduced." Levi replied, glaring at them. "Now, do you care to tell me why you're 3 minutes and 38 seconds late to my class before I shove you into the door?"

"Is that even legal?" Blonde He-Man piped up, his demeanor very much like a frightened kindergartener.

"I'm the one asking the questions, Anime Cosplayer." Levi snapped, which shut him up instantly.

Homicide Boy stepped forward. "I'm Eren Jaeger of Shiganshina, I have two posters of you, a signed coffee mug, and I know your entire schedule by heart, sir!"

Levi blinked. "Shiganshina? Don't sound so proud. I've heard that place is a craphole." He said blankly, turning to the other student. "And you? Are you as invested in me as your stalker friend is?"

"I'm Armin Arlert, sir." He squeaked, clutching his binder to his chest.

"Wonderful. Well, Eren Jaeger of Shiganshina and Armin Arlert, I would give you a warning, but in the real world, you don't get warnings. Both of you, after class, scrubbing all the desks. You better hope your schedule is free after my class. Now find a seat before I super glue you into one. You have five seconds." Levi ordered.

The two scurried off into the mass of students, and Levi sighed. He swore, with each passing year, the candidates got stupider. At this point, the world would be protected by people like Eren and Armin, and that thought was terrifying.

 ** _ooooo_**

Levi walked into the break room, slamming the door so hard that one of the diploma's on the wall wobbled before falling to the floor and shattering.

"I'm quitting teaching. I will beg on the streets and dance for money, but I will never teach another class of insufferable idiots as long as I live." He muttered darkly.

Erwin Smith, the Latin teacher, glanced up from his book, taking a pull from his coffee mug. "You say that every year." He replied cheerfully.

"Wipe that smirk off your face, you slob." Levi snapped. "If you had to spend the last 30 minutes supervising desk cleaning while one kid asked you nonstop questions and the other was humming the melody to Hit or Miss, you'd want to brain yourself with an electric drill too."

"Sound's like a productive day." Erwin said. Levi rolled his eyes.

"Is Four Eyes around? I couldn't stand another minute with incompetent, sorry excuses for human beings." Levi muttered, walking over to the counter and pouring himself a cup of coffee.

Erwin cocked his head. "Hange? You just missed her. She walked in muttering something about burnt flesh and broke one of your coffee mugs. The one with llamas on it."

Levi's hand clenched around the handle of his cup. "I'm going to kill her."

"Mmm." Erwin murmured, returning to his book, ignoring the loathing look his colleague just shot him.

"The llamas was a gift from my grandmother, Erwin. Hange owes me 16 bucks and a crap load of sentimental value." Levi replied.

"I'll be sure and tell her to write you and IOU for sentimental value." Erwin said distractedly.

"I swear, last night, you know what she did? She brought a rotting hand from the medical department into my house. She brought rotting, human flesh and set it on my coffee table. Which I had just Windexed, might I add."

Erwin blinked. "How did she get that? She's the biology teacher, but even then, she still needs specific permission to remove body parts from the medical wing."

"How should I be able to tell you? All I know is that there is a very faint, yet distinct stench of decomposing human in my apartment, and it's all her fault." Levi muttered, taking a long swig of coffee, as if trying to drown his sorrows.

"I'm serious, Levi, if Hange is stealing donated organs from the lab, there's got to be some sort of security issue here." Erwin said worriedly.

"Hange herself is a security issue." Levi replied numbly, staring out the window. "I wouldn't worry about it. She's been swiping decomposing matter from them since she got here. Then again, it's the first time she's actually tried to bring it to me. What did she think I wanted with it?"

"Levi, that's not the point." Erwin dead panned.

Levi gagged, ignoring Erwin completely. "Does she want me to hold hands with it? Use it to display on my shelf next to a preserved lung and a rotting eyeball?"

"Levi rea-"

"For my birthday last year, she got me off brand Lysol wipes. Did she want me to have streaks all over my counter? It was atrocious. I swear she's trying to give me an aneurism so I'll die and she doesn't have to swipe her severed limbs from the medical department."

Erwin groaned. "You're not even-"

"Maybe I'll kill her first. I can make it look like an accident." Levi said thoughtfully.

Erwin's eyes widened. "What? You can't...that's not...Levi what the hell?"

Levi shrugged, polishing off his coffee. "The only thing that's going to miss her are those two disgusting ferrets she keeps at her place. Sonny and Bean? The black one tried to rip off my finger the other day."

Erwin put his head in his hands. "Each day I work here, I grow closer to death."


End file.
